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| Red Letter DayI have the biggest news of my life and there's no one I can share it with.
After months and months of waiting, I got what I wanted. Finally.
The days leading to it were a mixture of anticipation and nervousness.
And, yes, there was some doubt.
But it was too late to back out and I knew this was what I wanted. I still don't know how I feel about it now that it's over.
I guess that's a good thing.
At least I don't feel bad about it.
Well, not yet. (Jeez, I'm such a pessimist) I do know I'm scared.
Scared of what's going to happen moving forward.
How things will change. I know myself.
I might will obsess about this.
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The next chance you get, observe this: the line to receive Communion during Sunday Mass and the line at a department store counter. Watch people's reactions when someone tries to cut in. It will make you think.
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| I wish I was brave (and indifferent and stupid) enough to name names in this blog.
But I'm scared if I do it'll open up a big Pandora's box and a slew of other words like "asshole", "die", "lust", "deathly annoying", "itch" and, well, you get the idea.
And I'm just not about ready to get into trouble. It's the inevitable, I know, but I'm not about to provoke it.
Anyway, metaphors are more fun.
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| Last Weekend...
...God decided to give me a break. It had been raining the whole week before but come Saturday, the sun was out and so was I. Out of town, that is. Went to Subic, watched Eartha swim with dolphins, hung out at Anvaya with Vren and played tong-its with PJ. Sunday was so much better. Woke up early and headed straight to the beach. While they were all watching the live Pacquiao fight, I decided to stay by myself by the pool for some "me" time. And boy did I soooo need that.
Come Monday, it was raining again. I think He knew I really needed a break. Even for just a while.
Now
Sometimes I wonder how he even came into my life. I'd like to think I wasn't attracted to him even just a little bit the first time I saw him. I was. But -- I knew it would never be. So, on life went.
Today, things are different.
Do I really wish I'd never gotten myself into this? There are days I just throw my hands up in the air and say, "Whatever. I'll charge this to experience." But other days, I stress over it and obsess and get those uncomfortable knots in my stomach. Today is one of those days. Damn it.
I'm scared that what I want to happen will happen. The culmination of all this. I tell myself that when that happens, that would the be end of it. But is that really true? If it is then why am I so scared?
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It's strange how it feels knowing something about someone which they're completely clueless about. I've been finding myself in this position the past few days. It's been happening with friends, co-workers, family...
Like an outsider looking in, my mind can't help but ask...
You don't have any idea your career's going to change dramatically soon, do you?
Are you really the person I thought you were?
How is it possible that we have totally different ideals?
Do you even know where your husband was last night?
You can't see through my lies, can you?
Questions that may never be answered because they will never be verbalized.
Thank gawd people can't read my mind. (Or can they....?)
Oh man, if they only knew.
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